1) I like being alone
2) I don't like being alone
#1 - I realized that college + part-time jobs have allowed me to live in a very self-controlled environment. What does this mean? One-person apartment since junior year, retreating to my home whenever I got tired of being around people, staying over with friends whenever I did want company... mmm, yeah, I know a bunch of people are going to tell me that was an unrealistic lifestyle but it was fun while it lasted. Unfortunately, it does mean that now I am terrible at getting real work done around people (i.e. classmates and teammates) and I'm much less adept at handling social friction. Everyone else apparently is as well, so we all fray each other's nerves just a tiny bit. Maybe it's because this is such an unrealistic work atmosphere, plus we're all really a bit too old to live peaceably with people we didn't hand-pick for the ride, yer know? Even the best of roommates and friends have tiny scrapes in the heat of the moment. And then some of us don't handle 'em as well as others, meaning they escalate into bigger ones. There's a lot of passive aggression and backtalk going around. I'm privy to (and probably guilty of) both. Harh.
#2 - Yet the more I see randomly happy couples on subways or around cool places I travel to, the more I seem to envy them. I don't think the wistfulness is solely because of singleness, or because I'm getting older (lol), or *sarcasm* because I have a bad relationship with God... maybe a combination of all of those and more, but yeah. I donno... traveling's so fun and exciting. I guess my mind thinks that it would be that much *more* awesome with someone special to go share these new experiences with? Maybe I've done so much solo exploration that I think I'm ready to share. But #1 probably means I'm still being pretty controlling about how I share, meaning I'm not quite ready, but #2 means that my issues with #1 would be greatly lessened, right?
So basically, I am an immature, controlling whiner. ^^
Welp, I have a theory that different people have different "tolerance levels" for singleness (not in the dating sense, but in the marriage sense), and as long as yours is still manageable, you'll be (or should stay) single. Once you hit that "omg this really is unbearable" stage, you should probably go actively on the prowl for prey or something (or sit at home and wait to be preyed upon, mwahaha). My tolerance level still seems to be pretty decent at the moment because my life is still exciting enough right now, so I'm mostly just praying that I'll learn to live "life to the hilt" (fave quote again) while... I can still do so without obligations to family, yeah? I honestly think that marriage often seems to halt personal growth in a very large way. Instead of growing "straight up," you sort of... "grow into each other." That's why really close couples develop identical mannerisms in a lot of ways and things like that. I'd rather be pretty sure of who I am and what I want to be before I settle down (so I have something concrete to offer, rather than a head full of empty promises and broken dreams... which seems likely to be where I'm headed at the moment). I think. I honestly don't know. These resolutions do not come immediately to mind when I see people dancing down a road together, laughing, hand-in-hand. 'Cuz these are all logical conclusions, and apparently my idiotic eyes send messages to my emotions first. Hah.
Don't worry. I'm not hurting desperately for love at the moment or anything... :P Maybe hurting a little bit for a sense of direction, and finding someone to love seems like a very easy and comfortable way out of the dilemma. That doesn't mean I wouldn't LIKE some lovin'... but I don't think I've grasped the concept of selfless love yet, so therefore I'd just be using someone (even if unconsciously) for what they could give me, which ergo = selfish, which is not what I like, which sounds an awful lot like the kind of ramblings I don't usually put on this particular blog. :P
I felt #1 was relevant enough to the trip to warrant the rest of this all, though. ^^ And I mean, I seriously am going crazy for lack of the usual blogging outlets. It's clogging up all my other creative pores, dammit! Michelle, I am sincerely sorry for my typing keeping you up. I will make all the Apple phone calls you could want tomorrow.
OK, so today... we woke up for the usual editorial meeting... met translators, went on an Internetory exploration hunt, had bacon and cream pastas, had a tummyache as a result, did some "real" writing, felt super relieved above and beyond what the occasion demanded, went down to Huaihai Rd., walked about a lot with Suzanne and Michelle, went to an H&M (in person) for the first time, explored a UniQlo (got a pair of cheapyish jeans), had dinner with Zach/Pat/Mike, then took the subway for home (and ended up exiting in the wrong area and walking 3+ miles home from there). All told, there was... I can't even calculate, but there was a *lot* of mileage done.
I'm a little sad about only 5 days left (and also really worried about my writing, which is super compounded by #1). However, I really do rise to the occasion time and again when a hard deadline comes up... which is probably a large part of my current frustration (there isn't really anyone breathing down my neck). I'm really hoping that this slight vent/rant/post/brain dump helps me get the words flowing. I figure any sort of writing, no matter how crappy, can only help at this point. :\ It's so hard to find time to just be anywhere in total silence... I've taken to using my iPod to create a little personal space bubble, but even that can be hard. People take offense when one pops headphones in public (with good reason). ;p Man, oh man.
Final thing - I'm a little pressured about my lack of job prospects, I think. It's not that I *don't* have job options - it's just that I'm not sure how passionate I am about the more boring aspects of the degree/career plan I have chosen... and it's not really a career path for any but the most fanatic at the moment. ;p Low pay, boring work, and fierce competition = 3 things that do not turn me on. :P I mean, I really am OK with the prospect of not getting that Wired internship (cocky of me to think I'd get it?). I am honestly stoked about going back to Austin and messing around with photography and doing BV to pay bills. But a little voice inside my head keeps asking, "Then what?" It looks like a rut I could easily fall into and wallow in for a few years - the best ones I'll have, maybe (melodramatic young adult here). And nobody calls you a failure for not "getting a real job," but I guess the pressure is on regardless... even just listening to classmates and friends talk about what they're doing after this trip or after this summer can get depressing if it catches you off-guard, like a friendly punch to the stomach when one's not anticipating it (and tensing one's abs). It's not that you envy your friends so much as you worry about yourself and whether or not you're making the cut. I saw enough of my friends spiral into that post-grad depression over the last two or three years... it worries me 'cuz I feel like I'm looking down into that gaping hole myself. ;) (not depression, just the chain of events that can trigger it)
But on THAT flip side, I also see a lot of my friends who graduated last year or the year before that who are already pretty disillusioned with their current jobs. That also scares me a lot. I think it's very similar to my opening situation - I want the best of both worlds without any of the downsides of either. However, I worry more about commitment (always) because I want to do my best... so unless I'm ready to be the best I can, I tend to avoid making promises (or signing contracts, or marriage licenses). Of course, that is also bad... meh.
Talking to Van while I blog this and comparing travel experiences brings up an interesting thought...
Van Nguyen
1:14
ah cool
china is on my list of places to go
someday
maybe i'll be like my bossman
he quit his job and just traveled the world for like 6 months
before finding this one
living in hostals and hitchhiking
Something about traveling to places one's never been seems to shrink one's personal problems, eh? Like... even if you don't believe in a higher being or bigger destiny, just seeing everyone else's lives puts a lot of things in perspective, doesn't it? At least I guess it does for me.
So here's my final conclusion: I fully realize the danger of getting too afraid of commitment and/or responsibility. However, I will make a conscious acknowledgement of that weakness in myself, and do my best during the upcoming time period to plan an attack to conquer it. It's not me copping out of figuring out my life direction or anything; on the contrary, it's me trying to find the best way to pursue it without wasting my time or others'. And if finding true significance for my existence can potentially be found by living super frugally and appearing to be a failure by societal standards and having the most meaningful time of my life... sounds like a very fair trade-off to me, doesn't it?
Hmm... so this trip didn't end up being quite as journalistically-oriented as I had planned. But it's been more of a self-exploration and eye-opener... maybe instead of writing a series of bulletins from the war front, I'll go write my own version of Catfish and Mandala. I prefer that style of writing far more, and who says there isn't informative research and work that goes into such books? :P And even if my chicken scratches benefit only me, my ego says that's quite wrth the Maymester $$. Money is just money - if I can earn it back better and more efficiently in future because of this trip, it's 100% worth it.
Disclaimer: People should not try to write profound blog posts at 2:30 a.m., and neither should they be held accountable for the grandiose notions conceived therein. ;p If I fail or come crying to you at some point, please, in all kindness, do not wave these words in my face except to exhort me to "Be a man and pull yourself together already!" (It's a good thing to say in the right place and time)
Here's a bonus for those intrepid readers who made it all the way through (or the cheaters, whichever is more applicable): Day in photos
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